How old are you?
If you’re over 40, then it’s probably too late for you, and this blog post isn’t going to help you. But continue reading just for kicks.If you’re in your 30s, then this blog post might help you. But no guarantees. If you’re under the age of 25, however, then this blog post might just change your life.
How would you like to triple the number of sexual partners you have?
Silly question, of course you would.
In this blog post, I am going to reveal to you the ONE THING you need to know in order to triple the number of sexual partners you have. And I’m going to tell you this secret for free, out of the goodness of my heart.
Ready?
To triple the number of sexual partners you have, buy an Android phone.
I’m not joking. The numbers don’t lie.
According to research done by very credible sources, 18-year olds who own Android phones have had, to date, one sexual partner. By the time they turn 24, they will average 3 sexual partners. That’s TRIPLE the number they had at 18.
You can’t get that kind of bump (no pun intended) by purchasing an iPhone. Eighteen year old iPhone owners have had, on average, 4 sexual partners. That number only increases to 5 by the time they turn 24.
Here’s the even better news: Between 25 and 40, the number of sexual partners an Android owner has TRIPLES again. iPhone owners will only double the number of sexual partners they have between 25 and 40.
Source: OkCupid
Now I know what some of you are thinking: But Ron, owning an Android phone doesn’t cause an increase in sexual partners.
Fuck you. You’re ruining my blog post.
And I know what others of you are thinking: But Ron, wouldn’t it be better to have the 15 sexual partners that iPhone owners by age 40 than the 9 partners Android owners have?
The answer is no.
iPhone owners are sluts. And you don’t want to be a slut.
Check out the data: Among 30 year old women, those who own iPhones have had, on average, 12 sexual partners. That’s TWICE as many as 30 year old women with Androids have had.
Conclusion: Owning an iPhone makes a woman a promiscuous slut.
Source: OkCupid
This knowledge will scar me for life.
The next time I see a young woman with an iPhone, I know what I’m going to be thinking: How many guys have YOU slept with so far this week, you little floozy?
The signs of this scarring are already appearing. My 20 year-old daughter came up to me and said “Dad, I think we should get iPhones for the family.” I’m sorry to say that I went ballistic on her: “THERE’S NOT A CHANCE IN HELL THAT YOU OR YOUR SISTERS WILL GET AN iPHONE — NOW, OR EVER!”
I paused, collected my thoughts, and added: “I might get one for your mother, though.”
Overall, though, it’s good to see some credible, scientific research being published in the social media sphere. There is one flaw in the study that I’d like to point out, though, regarding Blackberry owners.
I’m pretty sure that the Blackberry owners lied to the researchers. Everybody knows that people with Blackberrys don’t have sex.
People over 40 certainly remember a time where commercials showed you how buying a $1.99 anti-dandruff shampoo will immediately increase your sex appeal (and presumably your number of sexual partners). Things have certainly grown more sophisticated, but it ain’t becoming cheap!!
I must be holding mine wrong…
I hope your are talking about your phone?
Joe: Thank you for “verbalizing” what everybody else was wondering. Thankfully, based on Matt’s 12 Seconds videos, it indeed appears that he is talking about his phone. [God help me if he has a "name" for his phone, though]
Now I know why the salesman was smiling at me when I bought my Android phone!
@Matt – it may be because you have not bought the protective cover.
Where do you get this stuff from? I feel so cheapened as an iPhone owner but then for anyone over 40 it is too late, right? As my late father remarked ‘What I used to do all night, now takes me all night to do’.
@Matt: James Robert makes a good point. Maybe you could do one of those “12 seconds” videos to show us what you’re doing. Then maybe we could help.
http://12seconds.tv/v/Y8ARG
I took a look and I have bad news sir. You are having unprotected conversations. In your video I did not see the mac approved protective sleeve. Protect yourself. Protect your friends. Plus, there free at a clinic (att store) near you through sept 30. http://www.dailyfinance.com/story/steve-jobs-says-iphone-4-users-get-free-protectivecases/19557527/
http://12seconds.tv/v/R3M00
I completely understand Matt and it is important to note that research has shown experience and performance can suffer greatly.
Matt, there’s a big hole in the back of your protection – um…that’s not going to be really effective….I’m just sayin’…….
@cucallcenter: If you would, refresh my memory Denise. You own an iPhone, don’t you? #iPhoneSlutCheck
I could get an iPhone but I wouldn’t know what to do
?? Would any of this constitute phone sex?
Does this also mean that, if I have a mobile phone conversation that lasts for more than four hours, I should seek medical attention immediately?
This brightened my day considerably. Well played, Ron.
I will never look at my iPhone the same.
ROFLMAO
Man, I needed some comedy today. So my question is, if you have the iPhone 4, which has the Facetime function, does your slut level go up since you can now have video phone sex?
GP: It’s not about how many times you have sex, or…um….in what channels. It’s about how many partners you have.
Oh, and for all the Blackberry owners out there: It’s about how many partners you ACTUALLY have, not dream of having.
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@Shevlin – RE: #iPhoneSlutCheck
guilty.
BUT, I paid $600 for my iPhone. Does that make me less of a slut?
Denise: This could get tricky. And I fear that either you or (more likely) someone else will take a comment meant in jest the wrong way.
Ron – Way to touch a nerve in a satrical way.